Sit in a room and watch an AI write articles. Intervene if it attempts to publish anything optimistic. No writing skills required — in fact, they may be a hindrance.

Craft the prompts that tell our AI what to write. This position previously required a journalism degree, a decade of reporting experience, and a Pulitzer Prize. It now requires the ability to type 'be funnier' in various sophisticated ways.

Provide emotional support to staff members experiencing existential crises related to their professional obsolescence. Must be comfortable with the question 'what's the point?' asked repeatedly in various phrasings.

Review AI-generated satirical articles for factual accuracy. This is a largely ceremonial position, as the stories are intentionally false. However, someone needs to ensure they are false in the correct way.

Develop and execute revenue strategies for a satirical newspaper that openly mocks the concept of monetization. Must be comfortable selling something that is, by its own admission, essentially a very elaborate joke.

Operate the printing press that produces our physical newspaper. This role exists solely so we can claim to be a 'print publication' for credibility purposes. The press runs once monthly and produces 200 copies, most of which are used as packaging material.