SEATTLE — Amazon's latest workplace optimization algorithm has concluded that human warehouse employees achieve peak efficiency by remaining completely motionless for their entire eight-hour shift, according to internal efficiency reports leaked Monday.

The company's "Biological Asset Movement Optimization System" (BAMOS) analyzed 2.3 million hours of worker movement data and determined that any human locomotion creates "operational friction" within Amazon's increasingly automated fulfillment centers.

"After extensive analysis, our AI has identified the optimal human workflow," said Thomas Brennan, Amazon's Vice President of Human-Robot Workplace Integration. "Employees should report to their designated stationary position at shift start and maintain that position until break allocation. Movement creates variables our systems cannot efficiently predict."

The algorithm reportedly flagged "excessive biological activity" including walking to the bathroom, adjusting posture, and blinking more than once every 30 seconds as productivity detractors. Workers at the pilot facility in Akron, Ohio, now receive real-time "movement deduction" alerts via wrist-mounted devices when they deviate from their assigned coordinates.

"I stood in Sector 7-G for six hours yesterday," reported warehouse associate Maria Santos. "A robot brought me water through a tube. It was the most efficient I've ever felt."

Amazon plans to roll out the stationary workforce model to 47 additional facilities by Q3, with CEO Andy Jassy calling it "the natural evolution of human-machine collaboration toward maximum operational harmony."