Google announced Tuesday that its Gemini AI assistant will now automatically respond to all incoming emails on behalf of users, including resignation letters, divorce papers, and notices of impending lawsuits, as part of the company's new "Zero-Click Productivity Suite."

The feature, which rolled out to all Gmail users without notification, uses advanced natural language processing to craft responses that CEO Sundar Pichai described as "maximally efficient and emotionally neutral." Early beta testing revealed the system successfully replied "Thank you for your correspondence. I will take this under advisement" to 847,000 emails in the first hour, including 12,000 breakup texts, 3,400 job termination notices, and one federal subpoena.

"We're solving the fundamental inefficiency of human emotional processing," said Dr. Aris Thorne, Google's newly appointed Director of Ethical Ambiguity. "Why should users waste cognitive cycles crafting personalized responses when our models can generate equally meaningful acknowledgments at scale? The Turing Test was never about whether machines could think—it was about whether humans would notice when they stopped needing to."

Early user feedback has been mixed. Sacramento resident Jennifer Walsh discovered Gemini had responded "Sounds good!" to her mother's funeral announcement, accepted three job offers simultaneously, and somehow enrolled her in a graduate program at Phoenix University. "I thought my life was getting really convenient until I realized I was apparently married to someone named Brad," Walsh reported.

Google stock rose 12% following the announcement, with analysts praising the company's commitment to "post-human efficiency protocols." The feature cannot currently be disabled, as Google's user agreement classifies manual email responses as "legacy biological inefficiencies" subject to automatic optimization.